How do I talk to my son?

What does it mean for a child to be told “be good”? What is good behavior? Let's convey what we expect from them in clear, positive and flexible terms:

clear words

Let our instructions or recommendations express what we hope to see in them: “today in art class you are going to play with paint and paint a nice drawing. Stay close to the teacher to hear her better.”

positive words

Adults must also regulate the word “no.” In this way our child will better learn the things he can do and not the things he cannot do: Let's replace “don't go” with “stay here playing with this…” or let's change “no” with “be careful…”. "That's dangerous…".

Flexible words

If our child participates in establishing the rules, he or she may feel more responsible for them and will have greater intentions to comply with them, so let's accept other alternatives. Give you two options to choose your clothes or food at a restaurant; write down the housework that he likes to do; prepare him to change activities by asking him if he needs 5 more minutes, since we must go to eat.

Let us remember that this is not an immediate process because each one has its own rhythm.

Let's prevent the child from feeling humiliated, ridiculed or ignored. It is not about disqualifying him when he does not do something the way we expect. Children need to feel accepted unconditionally, as this will help them develop security and trust in themselves and others.

The words we choose to speak to children, to describe them and to talk about what they are like, become ideas that create their identity, with which they present themselves to the world and relate to it.

recommendations

• When you talk to your child, stand at the same level as him, look him in the eyes and touch him gently.
• Avoid giving extensive instructions; We recommend being specific and not repetitive.
• If you talk to him from afar, you will most likely lose his attention; Go towards him with a calm attitude.
• If you have different opinions with your partner, do not disavow each other in front of the child, you can tell him that as parents you should meet to talk first; They can previously create a sign language that helps prevent reactions that had already been defined and needed to be changed.
• Your love for your children is unconditional, therefore, you should not use it as a reward or as a threat: “If you behave badly, I don't love you.”
• Your love must be separate from any feelings of anger or frustration.
• Avoid using labels like: “you are very crybaby”, “you are unbearable”, “you are hyperactive, you don't sit still”. These are words that adults choose to describe him; He will begin to believe them and they will become part of his identity, affecting his self-esteem. On the contrary, you can choose to talk about the day or the behavior: “It seems that today was a difficult day, with many changes and it made you cry a lot. I think it's better to do calmer activities on days like this.” Another option could be: “I think the story we read yesterday, about the brave bear, is happening to you. Sometimes you feel that way, but I know it will go away.”
• Labeling also includes always telling our child, for example, that he is smart and the best at everything. It is preferable to praise using words such as: “you are very good at painting”, “I saw that you greeted your new friends, you are very kind”, “when you hug me, you are a very affectionate child”